Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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