So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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