Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
