fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
