There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
