and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize