My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
