You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
