I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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