my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
