No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
