I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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