cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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