What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
