Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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