Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
