i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
