Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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