i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
