i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize