What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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