i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
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