I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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