Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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