I faked an abortion last night.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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