All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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