So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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