I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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