before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
