I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
