Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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