I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
