I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
