Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
