i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
