I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
