FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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