All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
