when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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