You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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