the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
