moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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