and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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