They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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