we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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