i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
