Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
