Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
