woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
