My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
