Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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