Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
