you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
