Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize