Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
