who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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