no, he came in my armpit
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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