Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
